designing a house

And Iapos;m pissed that my body isnapos;t letting me go back to sleep.
I cannot live off of seven hours of sleep without getting migraine, however lame that is.




I think too much.
Every night, I have to fall asleep to music.
[[which is why I think I woke up at 5 am... I didnapos;t put in anything last night.]]
And "Decembers" by Hawthorne Heights is alwaysalwaysalways on whatever playlist I make on my Zune.

Itapos;s almost up to the year mark since Casey Calvert died,
and I always think about that every night I listen to that song.
And then I start thinking about how I met Casey three months before he died, and how I had been laughing with the band about how I almost got smooshed in the mosh during their set.
And then I start thinking about how upset I got when I found out that he had died the day I got back from Havenwyck.
And then I start thinking about why I was in Havenwyck to start with.
And then I get scared shitless.

Itapos;s just the thought that almost a year ago, I should have been dead.

And the sad thing is that I still donapos;t completely grasp just how easily I could die.

For fuckapos;s sake, self, you WOULD be dead if you had waited ten minutes to walk down to Izzyapos;s.
How do you not grasp that?


But then itapos;s the fact that I was low enough to do anything I did, and I get even more scared.
I donapos;t want to go�that low again.
I donapos;t want to be at the point where the smallest things get me down to that point again.
And Iapos;m fucking afraid that somethingapos;s gonna happen thatapos;s going to push me down to that point again,
and that a year after I was able to�dodge te grave,
I wonapos;t be able to�again.



Anyone I know in real life:
If I start acting kind of out of it and spaced out,
you now know that itapos;s because I think way too damn much.

beef jerky nutrition, designing a house, designing a hotel, designing a hospital, designing a horse barn.